


Warm Nights

by Anonymous



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: But he always had those, Eugeo Has Issues, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, This is not Happy, may cause anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 21:02:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Eugeo and Kirito grow quite close in their time together. It's not close enough.





	Warm Nights

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry

Leaves rustled beneath his feet, Solus shining down brightly from the blue sky, a few powdery clouds adorning it. It had been colder recently but it seemed that Solus had decided to give them at least one more summery day. Eugeo stopped when he saw Kirito lying under the shade of the tree, slumbering peacefully on the grass. Save for the wind gently brushing over Kirito’s dark hair, it was silent. Kirito would probably not be terribly upset if Eugeo decided to join him but despite sleeping together with him on a stack of hay before, he’d yet to muster the courage. He sighed, moving forward before he hesitated a few cen next to him, his hand hovering awkwardly in the air. Should he shake his shoulder? Or call his name? Trying not to think too hard about it, Eugeo put his hand on his shoulder, his voice dying somewhere in his throat. Kirito’s shoulder was warm underneath his hand, gently moving up and down with Kirito’s breathing and instead of waking him, Eugeo found himself stuck, kneeling next to a sleeping Kirito, mesmerized by the minute movement of his chest rising up and down, his cheeks burning.

Kirito started shaking under him, laughter breaking through and Eugeo flinched back, falling onto his behind.

“Kirito…?”

“I’m sorry, sorry, it’s just—“, Kirito’s words were interrupted by chuckles, his eyes shining under the light. “You’re so clumsy, hah—“

“Clum— you were awake?!”

“Calm down, Eugeo.” Kirito raised both his hands, smiling reassuringly. “It’s not a big deal.”

Eugeo bit his cheek, shame rushing through him. Kirito would feel differently about it if he knew about the deplorable thoughts going through Eugeo’s head. But even without knowing, surely his behaviour had to seem creepy. He had to explain— no, wouldn’t explaining his behaviour seem even stranger?

“Ah…”, Kirito looked to the side, scratching his cheek. “Sorry, I won’t do it again.”

“How did you know?”

Kirito adjusted his legs so that he was sitting cross-legged, resting his arms on his legs. “I heard you coming. I’m actually genuinely surprised you found me.”

Eugeo let out a deep breath, some of the tension leaving him. “There is no way you’d miss out napping on a day like this when it has been becoming colder recently.”

“I see.” Kirito flopped back to the ground without further comment, tugging on Eugeo’s arm.

“What are you—“

“Since you’ve already found me, you might as well just join me.”

“I couldn’t possibly…” Eugeo let out an undignified sound when Kirito used a little bit more strength, tugging him down so he was lying down next to him, facing each other.

“It’s fine”, he murmured, his hand still gripping Eugeo’s arm loosely. “Just relax.”

Eugeo’s heart thumped painfully, unable to rip his gaze away from Kirito’s eyes. He was close, too close but he couldn’t bring himself to move away, his arm shaking and surely Kirito had to notice that but he didn’t let go. “That’s—“, his voice broke off, his innards twisting. “That’s not what I came here for...”

Kirito hummed and closed his eyes, appearing content despite the fact that Eugeo was next to him, overwhelmed by so little.

“ _Stay._ ”

He wanted to, he really wanted to but—

“Kirito, we have to go, otherwise we’ll be too late.”

Kirito turned around, throwing an arm over his head.

“Kirito?” Eugeo leaned over him, trying to get a view of his face. “Hey, Kirito, don’t ignore me.”

“…”

“Kirito!”

* * *

 

“You’re going bathing?”

Eugeo continued searching for clothing, leaving himself a few seconds to answer, hoping to come off as casual. “Ah, yes. It’s getting rather late…”

“If you give me twenty minutes I can come along with you.”

“That’s not necessary, just leave yourself time”, he smiled, trying to make it sound less like a rejection. Kirito readjusted his position, supporting his head with his hand.

“Well, that’s to be expected, I guess…”

“Eh?”

“Don’t worry; I’ll just go later then.” Kirito waved him off, turning back to the papers in front of him. “Have fun.”

Eugeo blinked. “Fun? It’s not, well, _maybe—?_ “, he grabbed his clothing, hesitating in front of the door but Kirito was completely absorbed in the material in front of him, so not knowing what to say either way, he left the room.

* * *

 

“Too sweet.”

Kirito shoved the pastry into Eugeo’s hand who almost let them fall to the ground, startled.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”, he asked, raising his eyebrows when Kirito casually stole one of his apple strudels. “That’s mine”, he complained half-heartedly, knowing it wouldn’t stop Kirito.

Kirito bit into the pastry, making a satisfied noise, completely unconcerned by Eugeo’s protests. “What else would you do with it but eat it?”

“Eat it?!” Kirito smothered a snort at his high-pitched voice.

“You don’t have to.”

“I mean—“, Eugeo glanced from the pastry Kirito had definitely already bitten into to Kirito who was happily decimating Eugeo’s apple strudel, even licking his finger at the end to get rid of the last vestiges of cream. “You already bit into it.”

“If you don’t want to, then don’t.”

Eugeo swallowed, preferring to stare at the ground instead of at Kirito. It would be wrong, wouldn’t it? But though it felt like it was trudging dangerously close, it wasn’t a kiss. It wasn’t forbidden. And Kirito said it was fine, so it wasn’t… wasn’t strange. If Kirito didn’t like it then it could hardly be helped, right? “It’d be a waste not to eat it.”

“I knew you’d see my way.”

Right. Eugeo slowly brought up the pastry to his face before he took a bite.

It definitely was too sweet.

* * *

 

“You made her wait again”, Eugeo chided, trying to stop Kirito from grabbing his notes, one hand pushing at his chest while the other held them out of his reach.

“That’s why I brought sweets to apologize—“

“Pastries don’t solve all troubles!”

“She said it was all right. I’ll try to make it next time, so stop being stubborn and show me your notes—“ They toppled over, Eugeo painfully smashing his head against the ground, Kirito landing on his chest. “Ouch.”

“Why are you the one saying it?”, Eugeo asked, wondering where his notes had landed. Kirito’s presence was distracting, he needed to stand up. “Get up.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Not before you tell me why you are mad.” He could sense the words reverberating against his chest and although Kirito was a dead-weight, he made no efforts to throw him off.

“Are you accusing me of not caring about you letting Ronye wait?” Faced with Kirito gazing at him with full attention, it was difficult to answer without making a fool of himself.

“… No.”

If Kirito moved a little bit closer they’d be face to face. Eugeo broke eye contact, his heart speeding up. “Get up.”

“All right, sorry.”

Kirito stood up, smiling sheepishly, before holding out a hand for him to grab. Eugeo couldn’t bring himself to hesitate before taking it, letting himself be lifted up, Kirito’s grin warming his insides. He was hopelessly weak against Kirito and he was starting not to mind anymore.

Inspecting the room, he sighed when he spotted his notes, pages crinkled from the fall. “Here”, he said, holding out the notebook. “If you don’t understand something just ask me.”

Kirito took the notebook, eyes flittering over the pages. “It’ll be fine; your writing is always neat.”

“You should still take better care of your notes.”

“I told you it was an accident, didn’t I?”

“People don’t accidentally climb trees.”

“…Ugh, more laws.”

Eugeo chuckled, watching Kirito’s face deform in distaste. “I can help you if you want.”

“You would do that?”

“It’s always good to revise.”

“… That’s certainly a way to rub salt into the wound.”

“What?”

“Never mind.”

* * *

 

Eugeo hadn’t thought of Kirito as a particularly tactile person but with time he had come to realize that there was barely a day that went by without Kirito patting his shoulder or slapping his back or even bumping his shoulder against his. He hid it well but if one spent enough days around another person one would start noticing their habits, the things they did, the things they didn’t do.

“Good job”, Kirito said, sheathing his sword. “That’s it for today.”

“I can still—“

Kirito shook his head, picking up Eugeo’s sword from the floor from when he had been disarmed… again. “There is no point in training when your brain can’t absorb anything.”

Eugeo sighed, accepting his words grudgingly, putting his sword away.

“Don’t mind, you did well today”, Kirito put his hand on his shoulder for a few seconds before moving towards the door. “Let’s eat.”

“Ah, yes.”

Things Kirito did; initiating casual skinship.

He hurried up to keep pace with Kirito, taking a deep breath before he took half-a-step closer, their hands sometimes brushing.

Things Kirito did not; move away when Eugeo touched him. It did not matter where or when, whenever Eugeo came closer, Kirito would just let him, with little more but a side-glance.

Eugeo should stop this.

He knew that rationally but he couldn’t help but wanting to irrationally enjoy this closeness as long as it lasted. It wasn’t— they weren’t doing anything illegal or strange. This was just skinship between friends. Wanting to be close to your friends and family was perfectly normal, Alice had been hugging her sister all the time. Kirito wasn’t like Eugeo but…

Eugeo had conceivably fallen for the trap called hope. There was no way that Kirito was not aware of the lack of space between them and even if that did mean nothing because Kirito just really liked physical contact; this was more than he could have ever hoped for.

The room was almost empty by the time they arrived but Eugeo put some more space between them before entering it, wishing he could have taken a bath before that. Not only did he feel dirty, thinking about how sweaty he was also made sitting down next to Kirito uncomfortable, despite knowing that Kirito was in the same state and more so, probably did not care in the least. He wondered whether this was considered vanity.

He had sat himself a little more to the right than normally, expecting Kirito to sit himself down like usually just to be surprised by Kirito scooting closer to him in an almost subconscious manner, their legs bumping against each other. Eugeo nibbled on his bread, hoping to distract himself, Kirito next to him digging into his meal unconcernedly.

 _This was normal to Kirito._ Eugeo was hyper aware of every single time they brushed against each other, so he had just assumed that Kirito had also noticed the space between them shrinking but perhaps the reason he hadn’t been reacting negatively to anything wasn’t acceptance but simply routine? No, but Kirito had started it in the first place, although he hadn’t noticed how close they had become recently if he had disliked anything at some point, he’d have stopped it. Should he bring it up? But wouldn’t that make it sound like he was discomfited by their current closeness? He also didn’t want Kirito to feel awkward about touching him. If brushing his leg against Eugeo’s comforted Kirito in some way, he didn’t want to take that from him, even if he didn’t want to be close to Eugeo for the same reason Eugeo wanted to be close to him.

“Is something wrong?”, Kirito asked, their elbows rubbing against each other, Eugeo’s leg twitching in response. Too close, they were too close. If somebody saw that…

His movement must have alerted Kirito to how close they were because he saw him blink, making a noise stuck somewhere between thoughtful and surprised, before he put some space between them. “Sorry.”

Kirito kept on apologizing to him recently. There was some relief in the fact that they were farther apart now but mostly he felt like his stomach had been knotted together, his appetite gone. “I don’t mind”, he finally said, wanting to take back the words right after he said them.

Kirito kept silent for a few moments, sweeping his eyes over the hall, before he faced Eugeo again but he couldn’t pin down his expression. “… Not here.”

“Oh”, he couldn’t have stopped himself from smiling even if he had tried to, the knot in his stomach loosening. “Right.”

Evading his gaze, Kirito studied his plate instead, his face pinched, not looking up again until Eugeo bumped his feet against his shoe. He seemed slightly startled by his action but the corner of his mouth twitched up and he returned his bump playfully, his cheer returning.

They were going to be fine.

* * *

 

Eugeo was pretty sure Kirito was aware of the fact that he was watching him but he kept silent, continuing reading his book. The tea calmed his nerves somewhat but he’d yet to join Kirito on the seat, despite planning on doing so for the last ten minutes. The longer he sat there, the closer he was to giving up his on objective. Surely it would be weird by now too suddenly stand up and change seats? Kirito _had_ indirectly given him permission to initiate physical contact but trying anything now that it had been addressed was strangely scary. Anything he’d do right now felt like it would _mean_ something and he wouldn’t be able to pass it off as accidental.

“Hey, Eugeo can you give me some more tea?”, Kirito asked, peeking at him over the book. Eugeo would have protested as the tea was right next to Kirito but froze instead when he realized that Kirito had inched further to the left, opening some more space.

“Sure”, he answered instead, standing up from his seat, quickly smoothing down his clothing before he filled his and Kirito’s cups another time, hesitantly sitting down next to him.

“Thanks, Eugeo.”

Eugeo nodded, not knowing what to say, sipping at the tea. It was too strong by now but neither he nor Kirito said anything, silently sitting next to each other. Eugeo glanced at Kirito, meeting Kirito’s eyes in the process before Kirito turned away, raising his book slightly. If the air had been stifling before it was nothing compared to now that he had caught Kirito staring at him. He was not reading, there was no way Kirito was still reading the book right now, and Eugeo actually contemplated standing up and leaving because this was just awkward and they weren’t even touching each other. “Do you like the book?”, he asked instead, pondering if he was being too obvious. Usually he wouldn’t interrupt Kirito while he was reading with questions.

Kirito lowered the book, giving up on his pretence of reading. “It’s pretty mediocre.”

“At what part are you?”

Kirito held the book so that Eugeo could see it better, moving closer until his thighs were pressing against Kirito’s. His pulse started racing but Kirito didn’t move away, pointing to a paragraph.

“The scene where they confront her brother?” Kirito made an affirmative noise. “It’s one of the better scenes if you don’t like it by now, there’s probably no point in continuing reading it.”

“Probably.” He closed the book. “It started of good but took the easy way, so that potential was wasted.”

“… It started of good…?”

“Merle being a woman after all was too contrived.”

“B-But that would be—“, he broke off, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. The armrest was pressing against his back before he knew, Kirito on the other end of the seat. He couldn’t bring himself to finish his sentence, cold sweat breaking out on his body, and Kirito must have realized what he had implied because he could see him tense up. Kirito sometimes talked without thinking about the consequences but this was different.

If Kirito was heard saying this, he’d be in a lot of trouble.

Regardless whether he meant it, people would wonder and, no, leaving aside what Kirito had just said if anyone figured out what had been going through Eugeo’s head then, then regardless how Kirito felt about it, things would turn ugly quickly and it’d be all _Eugeo’s fault_ , he needed to stop this.

“Calm down, Eugeo”, Kirito’s voice cut through his inner monologue. “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. Let’s drop this subject.”

Kirito stood up, startling Eugeo, but made no motion to approach him. “I’m going to give the book back to the library and buy some honey cake, so I should be away for a few hours. Let’s give some to Tiese and Ronye, too, afterwards.”

“To Tiese and Ronye…? I— Sure.”

“Then until later.” Kirito smiled at him before closing the door with a click behind him, leaving Eugeo alone. He was stupid, definitely stupid. There had been no reason to make Kirito feel bad about a simple mistake. Kirito hadn’t seemed exactly upset but he couldn’t help but get the impression he had just erected a wall between them. It was true that people would definitely start spreading rumours if they saw them sitting pressed together like they had been a few minutes ago but they were friends. His reaction had been completely overboard.

Eugeo sighed, trying to calm his frantic heart, taking another gulp of the tea, knowing it would be already cooled down. He was truly stupid. Who would have thought that alone the topic would make him lose composure this badly?

They needed to talk it out, so that Eugeo could apologize.

He spend the next three hours unsuccessfully trying to revise for school, his brain holding imaginary conversations with Kirito, trying to find a way to explain his worries, just for all of that to fly away when he heard rustling in front of the window, Kirito in the process of using the window to enter their room again. Eugeo stood up abruptly, a book falling to the ground.

“Kirito, we need to talk.”

Kirito looked slightly startled by his ambush, but nodded nonetheless. “Sure. Just let me quickly put this away.”

He jumped into the room before putting the bag onto some empty space on the table and sat himself on the other seat after some contemplation. Eugeo took the hint and also sat himself down, neither of them saying anything the first few seconds.

“I’m— before when we were talking about the book… I was startled. I’m sorry for overreacting.”

“I’m not mad and I don’t think there’s a reason for you to apologize. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, so—“

“Don’t”, Eugeo interrupted him. “Don’t apologize. Honestly speaking there was no reason for me to react the way I did. It’s just that if somebody heard you say that, you’d get into trouble and though you said it was fine, if somebody saw how – how _close—_ ”, he almost chocked up on the word. “—we are, there would be… misunderstandings…”

“So to summarize; you were worried for me?”

“Well…”, he trailed off, reluctant. Was he truly going to get off this easily? “I guess that’s not wrong…”

“Then there’s no problem. You aren’t going to tell anyone after all. As for the other issue… well, I’ll deal with that if it happens. Eugeo, you should decide what you want to do after thinking seriously. I’m fine with whatever you are comfortable with, so don’t worry about me.”

That… Sounded wrong. Out of context, no, even in context, it was enough to make him hide a blush. Kirito sounded so self-assured and confident that it was difficult to believe that things would be anything else but fine. The world could probably go down and as long as Kirito was there to reassure him, it’d be enough to calm him.

“You don’t think it’s weird?”

“What is?”

Eugeo bit his lip and stared at the floor. “Two people of the same gender touching each other like this…”

“No. I don’t think that.”

Eugeo whipped his head around to stare at Kirito, his heart thumping so achingly loudly that he was almost convinced Kirito had to hear it too. The evening sun was throwing shadows on Kirito’s face but the orange glow made everything look warm and inviting and for a moment Eugeo thought that maybe this wasn’t strange after all, but that moment passed just as quickly, Kirito standing up to pick up the pastries.

“Come on, let’s give out the pastries to Tiese and Ronye and then eat the remaining ones together.”

“Now?”

Eugeo motioned towards the setting sun. “I don’t think it’s appropriate to bother them when it’s already this late.”

Kirito peered into the bag, staring at the pastries he had bought.

“Then I hope you are hungry.”

* * *

 

Eugeo had envisioned that with this one conversation, their troubles were over but quickly became aware of the fact that they were anything but. After that day, Kirito avoided touching him completely. There were a few times Eugeo had seen Kirito’s hand out of the corner of his eyes, touching Eugeo already having become a habit, but it was always gone when Eugeo turned around. It was true that Eugeo had never answered Kirito’s inquiry whether he wanted to stop or not and Kirito must have taken it as an affirmative.

Since Kirito was being in no way spiteful about it and also wouldn’t make fun of him if he asked him, he could have ended this as soon as it started, but he couldn’t bring it over himself to do so. He _shouldn’t_ want Kirito to caress him. And it might cause problems. Sometimes the thought of Kirito knowing what went through Eugeo’s head kept him awake at night, other times he couldn’t help but think that there was no way Kirito didn’t know. Eugeo had always been somewhat of an open book and there were moments when Kirito would just observe him after Eugeo had made a fool of himself again and Eugeo would think _‘he knows’_.

 _If_ he knew of them, then why hadn’t he said anything? Unlike him Kirito was normal, his eyes didn’t linger too long and he didn't fall over his own feet just because Tiese had made a flower crown and put it over Eugeo’s head. Surely he would be disgusted. Kirito couldn’t know, even Kirito could not be kind enough to carry Eugeo on his back because he had strained something, knowing that even that act of compassion would make his heart speed up, his fingers itching with the urge to wrap his hands around his chest.

But then why let him get this close? Pity? Out of all possibilities that was the one he could accept the least. He didn’t think he could live with pity.

Perhaps Kirito just liked touching him too. It seemed unlikely but Kirito had started it after all. The possibility held too much wish-fulfilment for him to truly believe in it. His brain was running off with different ideas and it was visibly distracting him.

He wanted to think that Kirito wouldn’t do this out of pity but insecurity ate away at him and he couldn’t help but think that it could be that Kirito had just tried to placate him. Kirito had always been sympathetic towards other people’s feelings.

Kirito was frowning at his hand, visibly upset for a second. At himself? At Eugeo? It was gone as soon as it had appeared but it gave Eugeo the courage to do what he did next.

He lightly grabbed Kirito’s retreating wrist, his fingers loose enough that there was barely any contact between them and waited until he had his attention to ask the question that had been plaguing him for a longer time. “Do you _want_ to touch me?”

They were in a deserted area, far away enough that Eugeo was sure no one else was around but Kirito blinked and twisted backwards to check if anyone was around nonetheless. “This is… not the place for this.”

“… Right.”

Kirito pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let’s just go back to our rooms. TPO is important you know.”

“TPO?”

“Never mind.”

Kirito rushed off in the direction of their dormitories, Eugeo forced to speed up to catch up with him. “What does that mean?”

“It means… ‘think about whether your actions are appropriate for the situation’.”

“TPO does? It’s so short.”

“Well… Why write a book if you can say it in ten sentences?”

“Did you just quote something?”

“Who knows.”

“Has anyone ever told you you have a strange way of talking?”

“You have.”

“I haven’t.”

“You have implied it.” Kirito opened the dormitory door, quickly closing it behind them. “Look, let’s just talk about your very enthusiastic outburst outside.”

Eugeo blushed. “Kirito!”

“You started it. And well, the short answer to your question is yes.”

It was very faint and Eugeo couldn’t be sure it wasn’t just a trick of light but Kirito seemed to be blushing too. Despite the fact that his body was tingling, his face threatening to slip into the overly-fond smile he sometimes sported around Kirito, it was reassuring to see him also affected by this. Whatever this was.

“And the long answer?”

This time Kirito took some time to answer.

“I don’t know.”

* * *

 

“Aren’t we a little bit too far away?”

“Nope.” Kirito held some branches away from them, pushing him forward. “Here’s perfect.”

He sounded proud and Eugeo had to admit the clearing was beautiful. It was also deep enough in the forest that Eugeo was curious how Kirito had found it in the first place.

“It’s pretty.”

“Good to have your approval, so now that you’re already here, you can join me this time.”

“We are napping?!”

“Don’t be a spoil-sport and lie down!”

Eugeo squeaked when he was pulled down, landing on the soft grass. Kirito seemed to be in an exceptional good mood today. Lying down next to him like this was weirdly intimate even though they weren’t even touching, Kirito’s body radiating warmth. “This is paradise.”

“You are going to ruin your clothing.”

“What’s with you? One wouldn’t think you are a country boy hearing you talk like this.”

“Country boy?”, Eugeo started laughing, the bright rays of Solus warming his body pleasantly. “This is nice.”

“I told you it would be.”

“Yes, yes. I’ll join you.”

“Even though it will ruin your clothing?” Eugeo bumped his hand against Kirito’s arm, his frame shaking lightly from repressing his laughter.

“Even though it’ll ruin my clothing.”

* * *

 

“Cold!”, Eugeo flinched away from the cold, wet fingers running over his neck, goose bumps breaking out on his skin.

Kirito laughed, in Eugeo’s opinion _way too much_ for a prank more becoming of a ten year-old, approaching him playfully with his hands raised. A shiver ran through Eugeo and he was ashamed that he didn’t know whether it was excitement or fear. Being around Kirito always caused conflicting emotions mostly because Kirito could not help but get into trouble in ridiculous ways and Eugeo could not even get mad at him. Even the things he _knew_ were annoying managed to somehow seem charming.

Since their last conversation whatever inhibitions Kirito had about touching Eugeo apparently had completely disappeared and while it made him happy that Kirito felt comfortable around him, it was not good for his heartrate at all. He had once woken up to Kirito sleeping next to him and he had no idea why or how but Kirito had merely greeted him like nothing was wrong when he woke up and weak like he was, all questions had just died on his lips and he never ended up asking anything at the end.

“Kirito, _s-stop—!_ ”, Eugeo squeaked when Kirito jumped him, both of them toppling over. Kirito was laughing, trying to hit sensitive skin with cold hands, while Eugeo was struggling against him, failing quite miserably, unable to supress his own giddiness. He was warm despite the cold, his chest swelling with happiness. Maybe they still were a bunch of brats after all.

Kirito’s ice-cold fingers dug in his side to tickle him and Eugeo surprised even himself when the noise that came out was anything but laughter, a flush spreading down his cheeks. Dread ate down his spine, his eye giving a agonizing throb.

“Oh.” Kirito leaned backwards, his fingers retreating. “I’m sorry. I should have stopped—”

It had a while since Eugeo had last heard that word. “No”, he hid his face under his hand, tears threatening to burst out of the corner of his eyes. Kirito had only been playing around and his body had reacted like this, how revolting. He wanted to disappear. “I wasn’t— I didn’t know this would happen. I’m sorry. If I had I would have tried harder—“

“What are you saying sorry for?” Kirito thumped him lightly on the chest with his knuckles. “I was the one who ignored you and made you uncomfortable. How are you in the bad guy in this situation?”

“I— that’s not why I told you to stop. I was just—“, he took a calming breath, the burn in his eyes receding, though the shame still stayed with him. Kirito was not angry. “I wasn’t serious when I told you to stop. I was just playing along, that’s why you don’t need to feel bad.”

Kirito moved off him, slumping on the ground next to him, and the memory of the forest where they had laid next to each other for hours did something weird to his heart.

“Well, I do feel bad. You sometimes freeze up when I touch you but when I pull away you look disappointed, so I don’t do that that often anymore but perchance that was wrong? I should have just asked you.”

Eugeo whirled his head around, staring at Kirito’s profile. “No! I mean, I don’t dislike it. It can just get… too much.”

“Too much?”, Kirito raised an eyebrow, and there was something _knowing_ in his face, despite his obvious embarrassment, and Eugeo had the violent urge to just pull at these cheeks, turning that calm face into something more appropriate. It was infuriating how unruffled Kirito seemed despite all of this and Eugeo should have known he would have experience with that appearance but it didn’t change the fact that it caused his stomach to twist uncomfortably. Kirito like this with somebody else… he couldn’t possibly have _kissed_ them. But perhaps he had told them he loved them? Those were words he would never hear. Surely he had been gentle with them. No, maybe there still was somebody? Kirito didn’t remember anymore, so there could be somebody waiting for him. He might even have a _wife_ …

“Eugeo?” Kirito seemed genuinely concerned by now. Eugeo felt sick because this was a dark hole his thoughts had not gone into for the first time and Kirito could never know because not only was he needlessly worrying, the emotions swirling up within him during these times were… wrong. If Kirito was married to somebody he loved, he should be happy. Not this. Eugeo was wrong in the head but he didn’t know what to do about it, so he just did nothing, making sure that Kirito never realized. He was horrible.

“It’s not too much. It’s just—“, he tried to search for the right word. “More than I’m used to. I don’t know how to react but I—“ _want you to do it more_ “… don’t dislike it.”.

“That is not what you were going to say.”

Eugeo put both of his hands on his face, letting out a pathetic sound. “Why are you like this?”

Kirito shrugged, his shoulders brushing against his. “If you simply did just not dislike it, I would stop.”

He said it so matter-of-factly that Eugeo could not feel anything but ashamed. He was always being indulged by Kirito and despite his misgivings hadn’t been strong enough to even attempt to stop it, so Kirito telling him so simply that ‘he’d stop’… felt like a slap.

“But you know, don’t you?”

“… Maybe I am assuming too much.”

Eugeo wanted to protest but what would he even say? They already had had similar conversations before and Eugeo was sure they were running around in a circle. Perhaps, just perhaps Kirito wasn’t actually as confident as he seemed. But even if he was, he’d made an effort to be honest with Eugeo, so Eugeo should try to do so, too. “I like it.”

Kirito awkwardly cleared his throat and turned his head away and this time Eugeo was sure Kirito was blushing. “I see.”

“And you?”

Kirito’s eyes darted over to him before he averted them again. “Would I be doing it if I didn’t?”

“Kirito.”

“Yes, fine. I’ll repeat it as many times as you want. I like touching and being touched by you.”

“Oh.”

How could this one sentence make him more embarrassed than the one voicing it? That was just not fair. Kirito had made him all weak and weird and Eugeo did not know how to let go anymore.

“Cheater.”

“What? Why?”

* * *

 

Kirito flopped onto his bed like the life had been drained out of him. “I’m so sleepy.”

Eugeo finished the sentence he was writing with flourish, leaning back on his chair. Finally done. “It’s still pretty early but do you want to go to sleep?”

Kirito yawned and waved him off. “No, it’s fine. You are not ready yet, right? And I won’t be able to sleep well either way as long as the light is on, so I might as well read something.”

Glancing at the rest of his work and at Kirito, Eugeo made a quick decision. “No, it’s fine. I have nothing else that needs to be done by tomorrow.”

After humming lightly, Kirito stayed silent for long enough while Eugeo was making himself ready for bed that he started to think that he had fallen asleep after all, but was proven otherwise when Kirito raised himself up as soon as Eugeo was about to go into his bed.

“Want to join me?”, he said, sleepy eyes blinking at him. Eugeo froze, staring at Kirito, his heart doing something unfortunate, and he had to bite down his first reaction to refuse the offer. It probably wasn’t a good idea. Too close to crossing the line. But Kirito wanted to. And most importantly; Eugeo really wanted to.

What if they got caught though?

Eugeo bit his lip, hesitatingly approaching Kirito’s bed. From this close up, Kirito didn’t actually appear as tired as he had expected him to be and somehow that only made it worse, his hand shaking when he raised the blanket to slip inside the bed. There was not much space in the first place but Kirito also made no effort to move away, instead moving closer, so that there was barely any space between them. Eugeo twitched when their pinkies connected, their hands lying next to each other and even though they were not holding hands, it felt incredibly intimate, only short of forbidden territory and doubtlessly they should stop.

They _should_ but… he wouldn’t.

“Are you all right?”, Kirito murmured and Eugeo nodded shakenly because while his heart was trying to beat out of his chest and he probably wouldn’t get any sleep tonight, it was not a negative feeling.

Tangling their legs, Kirito brushed their foreheads together, his breath washing over his cheeks. If they were found like this, they would not be able to talk their way out of this. Eugeo swallowed, nervously moving his hand so that it was lying on Kirito’s instead. It was soft and warm like the rest of Kirito, the warmth seeping into his body from the places they touched but in spite all of that Eugeo could not stop trembling.

“Relax”, Kirito said quietly, gazing directly into Eugeo’s eyes.

“W-What if they catch us?”

He shook his head, his hair brushing over Eugeo’s face. “I’ll hear them approaching and move before they find us like this, so just sleep.”

“Like in the forest?”

“That’s right.”

Eugeo exhaled slowly, shivering when Kirito’s bare calves rubbed against his. “Good night, Kirito.”

“Good night, Eugeo.”

* * *

 

Eugeo slept surprisingly well that night.

He woke up even more entwined with Kirito than he had fallen asleep, clutching him tightly, and Eugeo was glad that he had woken up first. It said too much. Even though his first thought was to disentangle himself from Kirito into something more appropriate, he found himself shamelessly indulging in the situation instead. The blanket was too thick for both of them together, so he was overheated but it wasn’t worth complaining over compared to the joy of sleeping next to Kirito. He couldn’t see Kirito’s face because it was buried into his neck but his breathing was even and despite his building headache, he had never felt more relaxed. If possible he wanted to wake up like this every day.

That probably was too arrogant of a wish though.

Kirito’s hair was tickling him and he moved to brush it away, just to linger on his smooth, black strands. Kirito always stood out, the way he thought and acted too different, but the first things people usually noticed were his hair and eyes. Kirito had actually called them bland once before and Eugeo had been too embarrassed to protest too much.

Kirito twitched, opening his eyelids, Eugeo ripping away his hands as if burned. His cheeks rubbed over Eugeo’s when he pulled back, humming contentedly. “Good morning, Eugeo.”

“… good morning”, he answered, his voice dry.

“I don’t mind you petting my hair.”

“You were sleeping.”

Kirito chuckled at his scandalized tone as if him caring for Kirito’s boundaries was in any way peculiar. “I’ve woken up to worse.”

Both Kirito and Eugeo froze, his stomach dropping, cold washing through him. “Kirito, did you—“

“I don’t know where this came from.” Kirito sat up, running his hands through his hair. “Just forget it.”

Eugeo nodded, the cold still not disappearing, his heart clenching. Kirito stood up, stretching his stiff limbs, not lingering on the uncomfortable moment, but Eugeo could not forget. Notwithstanding if that had been a subconscious answer and had nothing to do with returning memories, it was…

_‘I’ve woken up to worse’_

What was he supposed to do with that? It was a confirmation of what he had already guessed and maybe also dreaded. There was no woman who would sleep together with a man she was not married to, never mind committing an act worse than Eugeo’s. Worse than what he had done, what could possibly be worse than that without breaking the taboo index? He’d said it so calmly too. Being married at Kirito’s age was not exactly usual but it wasn’t unheard of either. Then if he remembered—

No, but was that different from now? Eugeo had always known that Kirito would leave one day and some part of Kirito had to know that too because he had never even once promised to stay. That was normal; friends didn’t stay together their whole lives.

Why did that thought make him so miserable then?

“I want you to tell me if you are uncomfortable with something.”

Maybe he was being precocious but he didn’t like it. Not just what he had said but also the way he had said it. There was probably no reason to get angry, he didn’t seem bothered, but Kirito had apologized every time so far he thought he might have gone too far, the way he just had laughed off any concerns for his boundaries was… upsetting. Deeply upsetting. But if Eugeo brought up the topic, Kirito would probably just brush him off.

Kirito stopped what he was doing to survey Eugeo, sighing fondly. “I get it, I promise to tell you. There is no need for you to worry though, you’ve never made me uncomfortable.”

“I see.”

It was difficult to believe. But even if that was the case, would Kirito say the same thing if he knew what was going through Eugeo’s head?

“I’m going to bathe, ah, unless…” Kirito stopped rummaging through his clothes. “You want to come with me?”

Eugeo blushed beet red. “Kirito!”

Kirito started laughing.

* * *

 

The sun was setting and Eugeo had to admit to himself that despite the bar fight Kirito had somehow gotten involved in – something about a man stealer and marriage, Eugeo had not been too interested in the specifics, trying to get out of there before the authority figures arrived – it had been a nice day. It had been a while since they last had enough time to just stroll through the streets.

“What had that been about?”

Kirito was supremely uncomfortable, his gaze wandering over everything but Eugeo. “Nothing important.”

Eugeo frowned, wondering if that had been more serious than he had first believed, looking back to make sure nobody was following them. He had just assumed that Kirito was being a weirdo as usually when he had recommended a short-cut that forced them to go through a densely vegetated forest but maybe he was actually trying to get rid of potential pursuers? “Do we have to be careful?”

Kirito’s eyes finally met his, running straight into a spider net. “Damn— agh, can you get rid of that?”

Sighing audibly, he reached forwards, getting most of it out of Kirito’s face and hair. “Done. We need to bathe after this either way.”

Patting down his hair, Kirito continued trekking the forest, making sure not to step into mud. The ground was still damp from the rain the day before. “There’s no need to worry. Ah, but, let’s not go into that part of the city again.”

“Obviously, I don’t want to run into them by chance.”

“… right.”

The lack of immediate danger made Eugeo relax some, breathing in the fresh forest air. If it hadn’t rained just the day before, the walk would have probably been pleasant but he spent most of his time trying not to touch anything too wet and gross – one time he’d almost lost his shoe and he was not keen to repeat that. “So we are just here because you wanted to take a weird short-cut after all.”

“You should enjoy the nature.”

“I’m pretty sure that the time we won through navigating through this forest will be spent trying to salvage our clothing afterwards.”

“It’s not a forest.”

Eugeo was not about to argue the semantics. At least they were finally alone now. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed the city, because he had, but it was only seldom they could talk this freely with each other outside of their rooms. Unfortunately the landscaping of the forest was not constructive towards any kind of body contact, and it was not like they had any time to stop if they wanted to arrive before curfew.

Outside like this, he could maybe finally ask the question that had been bugging him though. It didn’t seem so personal here and he could just laugh it off as him being bored or something if it became too awkward. “Hey, Kirito, how did we end up sleeping together in one bed?”

“You were there.”

“That’s— no, the time before that.”

“Ah, that.” Kirito scratched his neck, embarrassed. “You had a nightmare, so I approached you. But then you latched onto my arm and wouldn’t let go anymore…” He made a gesture that meant nothing to Eugeo like that would explain everything. “It’s— you calmed down but whenever I tried to extract myself, you’d… it would become worse, I guess? I just ended up falling asleep at some point.”

Eugeo stumbled, Kirito stopping him from falling flat on his face. He didn’t know what to feel. Embarrassment? Guilt? Disappointment? Some part of him felt automatically obligated to apologize but Kirito stopped that at the root before he had any chance to voice anything.

“It was nice and I slept well. Are you mad at me?”

“What? No!”

“Good because I have an inkling that you were about to apologize again even though I told you that you’ve never made me uncomfortable.”

He closed his mouth, rubbing his hands against his clothing. Kirito was too good at reading him. The silence between them stretched on, Kirito sometimes glancing at him, before he took a deep breath and held out his open palm, a ray of light falling onto his eyes. “Do you want to hold hands?”

“We’ll be too late”, he said instead of answering his question. Kirito and he surely were heading towards a cliff, maybe they were already there, on the precipice of falling down.

“Just a little bit.”

Turning back wasn’t an option anymore though. Maybe it never had been.

Eugeo carefully placed his hand in Kirito’s, letting himself be pulled along. Neither of them said anything while their hands were connected but Kirito was smiling to himself and Eugeo suddenly understood why Kirito wanted to go through this forest. It might be damp and wet but it was beautiful here. The birds singing, the air, the warm palm pressed against his that didn’t pull away even though he was sure his was sweaty—

He was glad he had come along.

* * *

 

Eugeo never put his feelings into words and Kirito never asked. They continued their unusual sleeping arrangement, stealing touches whenever they could and after some time he started to lean into them, the sense of comfort to great to resist. He’d thought they had hidden it well, that he hadn’t let down his guard but when Tiese casually mentioned that they were close, he froze up completely. She hadn’t meant anything by it but to his ears it sounded like nothing but an accusation. Kirito made some stupid joke about starting a comedy duo with Eugeo and Eugeo would have been amazed how fast he had redirected the situation from him and Eugeo to just him and his recent trouble-making. He would have been if he hadn’t had to put all of the effort he could into answering somewhat naturally.

That night they slept in different beds, or at the very least lied in different beds because next morning both of them had dark rings under their eyes. He had no idea how Kirito making fun of their appearance made him laugh after he had spent the whole night questioning himself if he wasn’t dragging Kirito off the cliff with him but he did because being around Kirito always made him happy. He couldn’t resist.

After that they returned to sleeping in the same bed. Eugeo despite all his misgivings and fears was weak and even though he had promised himself so often to stop _this_ already, he had not once said anything to Kirito, the words just dying on his lips and then he’d forget. Kirito’d distract him and for a short time, nothing would look as bad and as dangerous as it had in his own head, the world strangely bright, until he was faced with reality again.

A few times he had woken up sweaty, his body burning hot after another dream that Eugeo had to try so hard to forget but never quite managed to. Most of his dreams he could make excuses for… others he simply pretended to never have had. Of course sleeping next to Kirito did nothing to make those dreams go away and waking up next to Kirito after one of them, his eye twinging painfully, was awful. Staining their friendship with his degenerate thoughts was a breach of trust.

Nothing could have prepared him though for being faced with Kirito staring at him while his body was still throbbing, his breathing too fast. _I must have woken up Kirito_ , was his first thought. _I should die_ , his second. Kirito cleared his throat awkwardly, running his hand through his hair. “Ah, um, good morning, Eugeo.”

Eugeo made a sound not unlike a rabbit being stepped on, jerking backwards in an effort to put space between them, his stomach twisting painfully. His leg got tangled in the blanket in the process and he ended up falling quite ungracefully, Kirito causing him to smash his head against the ground another time. He almost welcomed the pain. At least he could pretend that the tears beading in his eyes were only a physical reaction.

“Eugeo?!”, Kirito leaned forward but seemed to change his mind when Eugeo flinched, choosing to stand up instead, his eyes aimed somewhere next to his head. “I’m going to the bathroom to make myself ready, so— right. Let’s go eat something together afterwards.”

Eugeo didn’t even nod, then again, Kirito hardly gave him the time to nod before leaving the bedroom. The floor was cold against his back but even though that was pleasant against his overheated body, he forced himself to stand up to make himself presentable. If he didn’t do something, he’d surely start crying. Kirito had seen him— _no, clothing, he needed clothing_. His uniform was easy to locate, so he quickly started changing into it, his hands shaking.

By the point Kirito came back Eugeo had already clothed himself and was trying to keep himself busy by organising his school material and failing miserably. Kirito took one look at him and sighed, walking towards him until there were only a few cen separating them. A hand came up and brushed through Eugeo’s strands soothingly, Kirito’s voice gentle. “I don’t know what is going through your head but it’s not just embarrassment, is it? What’s wrong?”

Eugeo pressed his lips together, refusing to answer.

“Do you want to sit down and talk about it?”

He shook his head, nausea building up in him. This kindness was the last thing he deserved right now. Kirito hummed, continuing his ministrations, his fingers softly digging into his scalp, Eugeo ended up shaking, grabbing Kirito’s hands and pushing him away because this was too much, this was wrong, he was disgusting, Kirito shouldn’t be touching him. “N-No, stop—“

“Eugeo—“

“I’m gross! You shouldn’t— _I’m sorry_ ”, his voice broke.

“No”, Kirito tugged his hands free and pressed them against his face, mushing his cheeks. “ _You are not gross_. It’s normal, there’s nothing to be ashamed off. It doesn’t mean that you can’t touch me anymore or that I shouldn’t be touching you. And I won’t, unless you truly want me to stop that is. I don’t care and before you ask I wasn’t uncomfortable either, I mean, I won’t deny that I was… startled but it wasn’t bad. You don’t need to talk about it, but Eugeo? It’s natural.”

And here he had told himself that he wouldn’t cry. “But that dream was—“ Eugeo flinched, pressing a hand against his head, his heartrate speeding up.

“Eugeo?!”

“I’m fine—”

“Calm down, you don’t need to say anything. It doesn’t matter who that dream was about. Try to breathe.”

Eugeo took his advice, trying to concentrate on something else instead, Kirito clasping his free hand. He felt horrible. He also felt great. The relief that Kirito was willing to talk to him like this despite having undoubtedly caught on to his dreams was startling. At the same time he didn’t think he deserved any of this… he didn’t deserve it but Kirito was here nonetheless. It didn’t take long for the throbbing to recede, Kirito’s thumb rubbing circles into his palm sufficiently distracting.

“All right?”, he asked when Eugeo’s breathing had evened out.

“It’s gone now.” Eugeo stared at their connected hands, recalling their conversation and Kirito’s words. Natural he had said. It still didn’t stop his ears from burning red, unable to face him. How long had Kirito been awake by the time Eugeo woke up? He had said that it didn’t matter who that dream was about instead of what that dream was about, so he had to know that it had been about him. Had he said something? He didn’t think that he had the habit of talking in his sleep but the only person who could possibly enlighten him right now was Kirito and he didn’t think he could bear that answer. “You said it’s normal but you don’t have that problem.”

“What? Wet dreams…? They’re not—“, Kirito coughed, a slight blush on his cheeks. “They’re not exactly a problem are they? If they are you could just… actually, no, never mind. You know that already.” Kirito cleared his throat, his voice higher than usually. “And well, I wouldn’t say that I have them often but I do. Also have them.”

Often in comparison to _whom_? “Kirito, you didn’t—!”

“Let’s go eat!”, he said, hurriedly standing up.

“Kirito!”

* * *

 

They ended up buying pastries at the bakery and Kirito insisted on sharing them in order to have some more variety. Watching Kirito rip the pastries in two, accidentally creating a mess on the floor when the cream spurt out, and then being given the bigger half was painful. It felt too much like something they’d do as a couple, something stupidly domestic and cute and Eugeo was afraid to accept these actions, to get used to them because how was he supposed to move on after this was over?

Maybe they’d be able to continue this even if they were both married.

Maybe Kirito wouldn’t leave, maybe this didn’t need to end.

Eugeo did not believe in those maybes.

* * *

 

There were things they didn’t do. Bathing together wasn’t something that Kirito brought up again and his touches were also usually only over his clothing. Kirito pretended very hard to be asleep whenever Eugeo woke up from another one of his dreams and Eugeo didn’t call him out on it no matter how obvious it was. Thankfully regardless of what Kirito had said, Eugeo didn’t actually have them _often_. It was more like Kirito never had them or if he did, then he was certainly good at hiding it.

Even so the lines between them were blurrier than ever and the only guidelines both of them seemed to be following was the taboo index but the taboo index didn’t stop them from sharing food, studying together or even holding each other close.

As long as he could be around Kirito, he was fine with that. He didn’t need more to be happy, wanted it yes, but _needing_? If he could spend his days trying to convince Kirito to use the door and saving him from strange salespeople in fishy alleyways that Kirito was so prone to find, he’d be content. For some time that was the case because being friends with Kirito enabled him to do all of that.

Of course it could not last for long. Accidentally aggravating Raios and Humbert escalated the situation fast and Humbert turned to using the same loopholes Eugeo and Kirito had been using to harass Frenica. Some part of him had still been reeling at that when Tiese told him about her troubles.

Her hair shined under the light but somehow it appeared paler than usually, her cheeks scrunched up in a way that told him she was about to cry. His tongue was heavy in his mouth, like a sacred art had been used on him, and even though he wanted to refuse, he couldn’t. Because he didn’t have a reason. What he had with Kirito…it had no future. No, not only did it have no future, it didn’t even have a present because despite this unnamed thing flittering around them, they were friends and solely that. They’d only ever be that and according to Kirito’s own sleepy, subconscious words, he was most likely already married. But even if he wasn’t, _he would marry._

Saying no to Tiese just because he wanted to felt too selfish.

It was the first love confession he had gotten and some part of him couldn’t help but to be bitter because for him, there was no such thing. He’d never be able to put his feelings into words. How horrible was he to begrudge Tiese even that?

He agreed.

* * *

 

They still ended up in a cell regardless and it would have been almost funny if Eugeo didn’t feel like he was about to be sick, the image of Raios and Humbert trying to force themselves on Tiese and Ronye burned into his head. He should have listened to Kirito if he had it wouldn’t have ended this badly. Kirito was here because of him.

“You sure look miserable Eugeo.”

“If I hadn’t—“

“And I’m stopping you here. How many times do I have to tell you that it’s not your fault? It doesn’t matter what you did or didn’t do, Raios and Humbert are responsible for their own actions. You are only responsible for yours and you did nothing wrong.” Kirito smiled at him. “As for me, I’m here because of my own actions, too. And to be honest, I’d rather be here next to you than without you outside.”

Sometimes Eugeo would rather irrationally wonder whether Kirito was doing this to torture him. Kirito was so kind it was painful. It was unfair; from the very beginning he hadn’t had a chance. Strong, bright and gentle, there was nobody who didn’t love Kirito.

Why did Eugeo have to fall for him of all people?

“You’re horrible.” Eugeo let himself slump into his own bed, throwing a hand over his face. Putting a name to the feelings that had been plaguing him felt awful. Not too long ago Eugeo had been envious of Tiese but right now he wanted nothing else but to go back to the time he could pretend he didn’t know. Love, what a simple word. Was love really supposed to feel like cold hands were clutching your neck, slowly causing you to suffocate?

Kirito had a wife.

He could confess now.

Kirito had probably kissed her before.

If he didn’t confess now, he might never get the chance again.

He might even have a child. A house that they lived in, furniture they had chosen together. A life Eugeo did not belong to.

“Tiese confessed and asked me to marry her.”

“Eh?!”

“I agreed.” Eugeo didn’t dare looking into Kirito’s face, whatever he would find in there he didn’t know but he was scared of it. He was such a coward. The whole time he had been faulting the forbidden index for his issues even though regardless of whether it had been there or not, Eugeo would have probably never confessed. If anything it had made it easier on him, after all he didn’t have to fear being rejected if he couldn’t even confess. The decision had been taken out of his hand, so he hadn’t needed to blame himself.

Even after everything that had happened Eugeo still didn’t have the courage to let Kirito reject him.

“… what?” Kirito’s voice sounded strangled. “You… liked Tiese? _But—_ “, he stopped himself for a few breaths and Eugeo doubtlessly should say something but he was frozen in place because while he didn’t know what he had expected, _this was not it_. Perhaps Kirito did actually—

“I guess it really doesn’t matter. I never asked, _hah_ , so much for not assuming too much…” Kirito chuckled after his last sentence and Eugeo stared at him transfixed, feeling like something was breaking. This was wrong. That was not what he had wanted to happen.

Was it?

“ _Kirito?_ ”

Kirito stopped laughing as suddenly as he had started, his shoulders drawn up reflexively. Eugeo wanted to reach out but he couldn’t. He wondered what it was, something about the way Kirito sat there screamed not to approach him. “Don’t make that face.” Kirito’s knuckles were white where they grabbed his other hand and his eyes closed for a few seconds. When he opened them again, Kirito was smiling. Eugeo wasn’t sure whether it was because deep inside himself he had hoped Kirito returned his sentiments after all but it was the worst smile Eugeo had ever seen on his face. “It’s fine. It’s the smart thing to do and I told you to think seriously about what you want to do and then decide. I’m glad you took my advice, so, congratulations.”

It wasn’t what he had wanted to hear.

“It’s… fine?”, he repeated weakly.

“I’m glad for you. That’s normal, right? After all I want you to be happy as your friend.”

Was it normal? Eugeo hadn’t been able to muster anything resembling happiness when he had figured out that Kirito was most likely married. Ah, that was right, Kirito had told him that he was not gross or weird but he had never told Kirito about his repulsive thoughts.

Even by Kirito’s standards he was defective after all.

“So, you really are happy then?”

Kirito twitched, his eyes skittering away from his gaze. “That’s— obvious, right? Of course I’m happy for you. I was just surprised, sorry.”

That word again, it had been some while since he had last heard it. Coming from Kirito’s lips, he was starting to hate it. There was nothing left for Eugeo to say. Nothing he could say because even though he had seen it coming, he hadn’t been prepared for it at all after all. Friends. They were friends, without a doubt they were friends but some part of him— _had hoped_. Now that they had broken the taboo index there was nothing standing between them anymore, nothing but the fact that there hadn’t been ‘them’ in the first place because it had always just been Eugeo projecting his own wishes onto Kirito’s actions. Him being accepting of Eugeo’s affections did not mean he requited them. That should have been obvious, so he didn’t know why he was so heartbroken.

He truly was a fool after all. Of course Kirito did not like him. He didn’t even deserve the title as his friend. He only ever took and took and took and he had never given Kirito anything back.

Somebody like that, who’d love him?

“Let’s go.”

* * *

 

Kirito didn’t ask why he had chosen to marry Tiese, instead overly seriously deciding what kind of pastries had definitely to be there for the wedding. Eugeo supposed that he had to be glad about the fact that Eugeo had finally decided to focus his fixations on somebody else. That thought rang bitter in his head and he _knew_ that was unfair because Kirito had been nothing but kind to him. He was just projecting his frustrations onto somebody else because he didn’t want to face the fact that it was his fault for screwing up. It would be easier on him if Kirito decided to be cruel for once. But Eugeo wouldn’t have fallen for him if he was.

“Apple strudel, really?” Their shoulders brushed against each other and Kirito put some more distance between them. It wasn’t the first time. He’d first thought that it had been an accident but maybe, maybe Kirito was really just—

“No.” It probably said something about their relationship that Eugeo was genuinely surprised. “You obviously need to ask Tiese, jeez. You are terrible at this whole being engaged thing.”

“Of— of course. Right.” He couldn’t believe that he had actually taken Kirito seriously, obviously the… the bride… should decide what the wedding was like and not the best man. Eugeo undoubtedly was terrible at this. But was that honestly a surprise? He’d never lost a single thought on this before, didn’t want to be engaged in the first place, and perhaps that just made him even more horrible. There was nothing bad about Tiese, he should be glad to marry her. The idea shouldn’t make him sick.

Kirito could definitely never know.

He flinched when Kirito playfully punched his shoulder, flipping his head into his direction. “You are way too distracted. Try to stay in reality, will you?” That… had actually hurt, despite Kirito’s teasing tone.

“Let’s not talk about this right now.”

“All right?”, Kirito dragged on the affirmation until it started to sound like a question. “You better let me in on the planning though, I’ll be your best man after all… right?”

“O-Of course.”

Kirito seemed relieved, slapping his back with gusto before increasing his pace. “You’re slow!”

“Don’t hurry so much—!”

That had hurt too.

* * *

 

“How horrible”, a hand brushed over his hair, the voice – a woman’s voice? – gentle. Eugeo was tired, so tired and he wanted to sleep. Her touch reminded him of Kirito’s and even though it wasn’t, what did that truly matter? Kirito probably wouldn’t touch him like this again. “He ruined you, didn’t he? Putting all of these lies in your head and then he just abandoned you.”

Abandoned? Had he been? By Kirito?

“Do you want to be cured? I can make all of this go away. You could be normal.”

If he was normal, would Kirito stop evading his touches? Would he be happy marrying Tiese? Kirito had told him there was nothing wrong with him but Kirito also didn’t really look him into the eye anymore. I’d be nice if he was normal, then he’d be able to view all of their memories together as Kirito’s best friend. Through his broken eyes, they had become all distorted, warped to fit his wishes. He could finally stop hoping then.

But it wouldn’t be so bad if they all just disappeared either.

His useless, unrequited love and the disgusting, selfish thoughts that accompanied it.

“I will love you and accept your love.”

Would she? That would be undeniable—

Relieving.

* * *

 

“Eugeo!”

Kirito’s grip on his hand was tight, his voice breaking horribly. Even if Eugeo couldn’t see him, he could sense his presence and that more than anything was soothing.

He hadn’t meant to make Kirito cry.

Hadn’t even thought that Kirito might cry and for that he was sorry.

“Don’t cry, Kirito.” It was too bad Eugeo wouldn’t get to see him smile again. Just one more time he’d have liked to see him truly smile. This was the end and he never had even confessed. What a fool he was. “Ah, I’d really have liked to kiss you even once.”

Marrying Kirito, exchanging promises to be together forever, it would have been impossible for them, but perchance if things had been different… if Eugeo had been a woman or if he’d tried harder, he might have agreed one day. Being forced to give up like this might just be a little bit… frustrating. What had he been doing all that time?

“But you said—“, Kirito sobbed and then there was something warm against his lips.

How strange. He had thought he had already lost his sense of touch.

Ah, it was bright. That was right, Kirito was…

“The night sky.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I wanted to write them smooching. And then this happened. WHAT HAVE I DONE?  
> This thing is a nightmare, I honestly don't know what happened but I spent forever trying to fix this and I just needed to give up after a while because nothing was even making sense anymore. I once actually straight up deleted five pages because things became way too dark and considering that Eugeo is dying at the end (again) that probably says something. At least I wrote it now and IT'S DONE. I'm also done, so are you probably because that goddamn ending...  
> Alicization is probably the worst setting to write relationship fluff in but still, this was supposed to be a happy fic with a happy end. This thing surprised even me. Kirito sleepily admitting that 'he's woken up to worse?' and Eugeo agreeing to marrying Tiese? There's not a single thing that was planned in this fic but there WERE things I wanted to happen and that was not it. Kirito actually has quite some development in the background but Eugeo misses all of that (too), lmao.


End file.
